That would seem to be the message implied by my mom when she sent me this picture.

Not that it's an issue, since I have no intention of spawning any future porn stars. (Or non-porn stars, for that matter.)

January 4, 2009 at 21:37 Comments (9)

There are some amazing locations out there that people don't want me going into. Derelict asylums, abandoned theatres, old factories...

Now, I'm not talking about actually BREAKING in, but does anyone know the UK legal nuances of trespassing? Say I hopped a fence to do art nude photos with someone in the rusty remains of a Victorian hospital. I'm not in view of the public and I didn't break windows or use bolt cutters to get in. I haven't damaged anything. Can I be arrested? Or will I just be asked to leave? Is it a criminal violation or a civil one? What's the worst that can happen?

Of course, this is all purely hypothetical, you understand.

And yes, I've had my tetanus shot.

January 2, 2009 at 16:34 Comments (28)

Last year I learned about the Scottish tradition of First-Foot falaka, whereby the owner of the first female foot to cross the threshhold suffers a dose of bastinado before being allowed to cool her burning soles in the cake she was instructed to bring. Or something like that.

This year I'm starting my own tradition. Instead of a cake, the First-Foot brings strawberries.

And the Second-Foot helps her smash and trample them into a gooey mess.

Finally, the Third-Foot (ideally a submissive male) arrives and licks their feet clean. Then they dress as ballerinas and drown rubber ducks in a derelict building.

Hey. My game, my rules.

Happy New Year, everyone!

December 29, 2008 at 21:40 Comments (17)

So what did you guys get for Christmas? Anything good? I'm devastated that no one gave me knitted frog dissection art.

And what a bummer it didn't snow; I had plans for a snowman hostel.

But I know what you really wanted for Christmas. And you can thank Herr Ludwig for it. 'Cos nothing says "Fröliche Weihnachten" like free spanking porn!

So go on.
Have yourself a pervy little Christmas.

December 26, 2008 at 07:31 Comments (26)

I hope the holidays bring you all you want, all you need and all you dream of.

Bettie Page 1923-2008

December 24, 2008 at 13:44 Comments (7)

My mother sent me this one and I couldn't resist sharing it.

1) Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia - I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and stores and office and town and tars and buses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants and.....

5) Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder - We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

December 22, 2008 at 11:53 Comments (14)

Here's an idea. A franchise of adult-themed restaurants in all the major cities, decorated with memorabilia from adult films. Kinky, vanilla and everything in between. I want to imagine some guy eating an overpriced hamburger under a framed and mounted pair of my bloodstained knickers - "worn by Niki Flynn after shooting Stalin 2". On another wall, bits of a broken cane from a Bars & Stripes clip. An autographed photo of Amelia-Jane Rutherford from her 2007 world tour.

The potential market is enormous. I mean, people pay loads of money to have lunch next to a sweat-stained Gaultier cone bra worn by Madonna. Or a speaker Jimi Hendrix pissed on. Why not the hair Pavel Šťastný cut off me in Crime & Punishment?

Let's see how edgy these uber-trendy cities are really prepared to be.

December 20, 2008 at 12:56 Comments (11)

...Norwegian wood.

December 18, 2008 at 21:40 Comments (10)

The holidays are just around the corner. And you know what that means. The Great Old Ones are stirring. Great Cthulhu is ready to rise, to destroy mankind and reclaim what was his.
So we offer up this sacrifice...

(We have different winter traditions here in Flynn-land.)

Oh, tidings of madness and woe,
Madness and woe,
Oh, tidings of madness and woe...

December 16, 2008 at 09:48 Comments (25)

I had a delightful shoot with Firm Hand. A highly complex piece conceived and written by Amelia-Jane Rutherford and starring both of us and a certain infamous man. The story is this: Amelia and I (as ourselves) are shooting a Victorian melodrama. We oversleep and are late for the first day of shooting. When we arrive on set, the director (one of Firm Hand's own) decides to start things off on the right foot - by spanking us! Well, we're pretty outraged, but we take it and then storm off to change for our first scene.

The next episode is the first chapter of the period epic. Poor Amelia is the meek and mistreated niece of Mr Morton, a sadistic prison governor. He takes delivery of a consignment of corporal punishment implements one morning, which he then proceeds to try out on a whimpering, protesting Amelia, yanking up her voluminous petticoats and thrashing her over the breakfast table.

Amelia's spirits are lifted by the news that they will soon have company. You see, there's this unfortunate American woman named Madeleine whose evil husband had her declared insane so he could steal her fortune. Now the asylum wants rid of her and Mr Morton has kindly agreed to take her in. But when she confides to Amelia that her treatment in the asylum has been "beastly" (they even cut her hair and sold it to a wigmaker!), Mr Morton is outraged by her ingratitude. He spanks her immediately. (And we learn just how convenient crinolines are for raising.)

The girls bond instantly, but the disapproving Mr Morton seems to find criminal intent in everything they do, from the sexual undertones he sees in their innocent flower arrangement to their theft of a book from the FORBIDDEN section of the library. Naturally, the poor girls are victimised at every turn by this cruel man.

Cut to Amelia and Niki between takes in the dressing room, being generally bratty and making fun of our co-star. "Lunging phalluses!" we cry, mocking his outrage over the Freudian flower arrangement. We each take turns wearing his mustache (you mean that wasn't REAL?) and playfully smacking each other. Suddenly, the man himself barges in and catches us, appalled at our unprofessional behaviour. So he summons the director to help him deal with us again. We protest that we're not our downtrodden 19th century characters, but do they listen?

Back in corset-land we resume the plot with a lovely little twist. Mr Morton drags the girls to the prison to show them where they're headed if they don't mend their ways. Madeleine falls in love with one of the prisoners she sees there - a man who had been kind to her when she was in the asylum. Amelia is terribly excited for her and tells her she MUST run away and marry him. Uh-oh. Guess who's listening outside the door? With a cane.

This scene took several takes to perfect, with Amelia missing cues and our diva top flinging down the cane in a huff. I got frustrated and Amelia and I shouted at each other. The director shouted at both of us. And lo and behold, life imitated art yet again...

I was in real pain from laughing at some of the cock-ups on this shoot and I think we've got enough outtakes to fill a DVD. At one point Mr Morton came running into the room to catch us with the banned book. He slipped on the rug and did a mad pirouette with pinwheeling arms until he regained his balance. In another scene he made it impossible to keep Amelia from cracking up when he kept referring to a strap as "flaccid" and telling her to "have a feel".

Sorry I don't have any pics, but I'll post some as they go up on the Firm Hand site, beginning in February. We were all very proud of this one. Amelia has proven herself a very talented writer/director (as well as actress) and I can't wait to work with her again. Oh, hang on. I'm doing that on Sunday.

December 13, 2008 at 22:29 Comments (4)