I visited Stirling Old Town Jail with a friend the other day. What a fantastic tour!

“Matron” meets you at the start, reassuring you in a sweetly smiling tone that any screams or distressing sounds you might have heard certainly didn’t come from “her” jail, but the one across the street. She was all too reminiscent of another Matron I know and dread love…

Next we met the prison hangman, who lined us all up against the wall and prowled along, eyeballing each of us in turn and telling us not to expect any gentle treatment. “Take this fallen woman here,” he said, singling me out. “On the stool, you!”

I was pulled out of the line and made to sit on the naughty stool in the centre of the corridor, facing the others who had been spared such personal attention. He went on to display various implements of torture rehabilitation, locking a huge shackle around my neck and then growling about how a wanton woman like me would be stripped naked and tied to the end of a cart and whipped through town. He wrapped a cat-o’-nine tails around my neck at this threat and then intimated to the others that such items were on sale in the gift shop - for those who were interested.

(I can already see this tour suddenly getting incredibly popular…)

I was finally released, only to be singled out again later, when the hangman had become the kindly Victorian reformer. “See this poor wretch here,” he said. “A life of sin, crime, debauchery…” (words to that effect anyway)

For the second part of the tour we were left on our own to explore the rest of the jail and the actor who’d played all the various roles (very well too, I might add!) came and found us and asked if he’d seen us before. My friend told me it was all he could do not to say, “Most people don’t recognise her with her clothes on.” The actor wondered if my friend and I were also actors; maybe we’d crossed paths before? Alas, we said, it was unlikely. But I couldn’t help wondering if I HAD met him before. Or whether he’d at least seen ME. Somewhere. Naked and whipped.

So if you’re reading this, Mr Hangman/Reformer/Warder/Convict, drop me a line because I’m dying of curiosity!

June 27, 2009 at 18:18 Comments (5)

In the midst of death we are in life.

Photo © Alistair Patrick

June 21, 2009 at 11:58 Comments (9)

They say I’m still not ready to rejoin society yet, so I’ll be in here a little longer.

June 14, 2009 at 08:59 Comments (6)

I need to get away from all the noise for a little while.

Don’t worry - you’ll hear from me again.

Mmmm, caaaaake…

Photo © Monkeytwizzle Photography

June 2, 2009 at 14:13 Comments (3)

The following article is taken from www.forgetmenotpanties.com

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MAKE SURE YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

Forget-me-not panties™ have built-in GPS and unique sensor technology giving you the forget-me-not advantage.

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So all you stalkers had better hope you can convince your special lady to wear only this one pair of knickers from now on!

June 1, 2009 at 06:40 Comments (13)

Shhh… I’m sleeping. Knock again on Monday.

May 30, 2009 at 07:24 Comments (10)

I found this abandoned sign languishing behind some bushes recently.

Alas, it wouldn’t fit in my suitcase or I’d have brought it back with me. But then I’d have had to start a tavern. And hired staff. And a bouncer. And - well, it all just seemed like too much work in the end. So I left it there.

There was also this sign, proudly displayed on a real restaurant:

Only this one was closed down. So maybe it’s just not a good name for a bar.

May 28, 2009 at 06:25 Comments (10)

I was sifting through HH’s archive the other day and came across this one of Sierra Salem:

And it made me wonder…

Is it possible to identify a girl from her dental impressions in a bar of soap? “Oh, that’s definitely Kami Robertson - I’d know her bite mark anywhere!” Would such a bar of soap be anyone’s ultimate spanko souvenir?

Hey, there’s stranger things on eBay.

May 25, 2009 at 18:07 Comments (12)

In the Ph.D. program at Spanking Model Drama School you concentrate on - DRRRAMA! That’s where all the really rigorous training takes place.

Amelia Jane Rutherford is the queen of “righteous indignation”:

and the “withering stare”:

While I’m rather good at “stark terror”:

and “abject misery”, as seen here with Michaela Trmotova:

Pandora Blake earns our sympathy with her “nail-biting anxiety”:

While Leia-Ann Woods makes us want to tie her to the railroad tracks* with her “damsel in distress” gasp of horror:

The seeds of Lucy McLean’s infamous “Matron” were planted in the post-doc program at the school, where she perfected the “psychotic authority figure” role. It makes the very blood run cold:

Likewise, who wants to be on either end of the “seething hatred” portrayed with such disturbing realism by Leia-Ann Woods and Dublin O’Brien?

This was the expression set for my final exam - one I can only call “OMG, did you seriously just shove a recorder up my bum?”

But only the best and brightest ever master the full-on diva tantrum, demonstrated here by Amy Hunter:

Of course, pulling faces is only a small part of it. You also have to learn how to demand your own trailer, lock yourself in the bathroom until your demands are met, have catfights with your co-stars, and insist on being paid in cake (or having your face shoved in it). But that’s a whole other post.

* Yes, I am aware that railroad tracks were not around in the Middle Ages.

May 21, 2009 at 06:16 Comments (9)

As you progress through Spanking Model Drama School you learn to add subtlety and nuance to your performance.

Adele Haze shows us her best “Oh shit, I’m busted, but come on, I’m too cute to spank” expression:

While Leia Ann Woods has mastered “sneering contempt for authority”:

Yours truly illustrates the popular “guilt written all over her face”:

While Kami Robertson says it all (”Please, sir, I want some more”) with her eyes:

Amelia Jane Rutherford makes you want to slap her with her “southern belle simper”:

And Samantha Woodley earns top marks for the very tricky “sympathetic wince but wouldn’t take your place”:

May 19, 2009 at 06:35 Comments (11)